People change. Sometimes they change together, sometimes apart unfortunately.

It sounds like you will have an amicable separation, which is better than most divorces. Stay strong. Try to focus on routine stuff for a while, don't make big decisions. Life sometimes hits you where least expect but also has a habit to sort itself out with time.

Thanks Guys, it's comforting to know that at least someone hears me when I scream into the void. God knows she doesn't.

I have found that when that rock, that is the foundation of your existence shatters... you almost instantly start closely examining ever pebble that remains. Looking for cracks you may have missed... Until you realize you've buried yourself in cracked pebbles, with no way to dig out and get back to that rock, even if you still wanted to.

Of course I recognize that we had our problems. Everyone does, as there's not one perfect person among us, much less a union of two. But it was always a foregone conclusion that we would work together for a better tomorrow. I had seen the bit of space growing between us, and I noticed the lack of contention on her part when we disagreed. But those were secondary in my mind to the daily binges of black out levels of alcohol. I pulled her dead uncles corpse out of his truck when he drank himself to death on Christmas Eve. I knew alcoholism was a serious issue in her family. But when I tried to encourage her to get it under control, she lied to for the first time in our 20 years of marriage. Over an 11AM half bottle of Vodka.

So I changed tacts, I joined her in her drinking. Intentionally made myself an alcoholic by consistently drinking a liter per day for months on end. We laughed and talked and had a great time, but she never remembered it the next morning. My initial intention was to understand the battle with alcohol, but that morphed into a hope that she would recognize the damage it was doing to me even if she couldn't see it in the mirror. I truly understand now, and am having to really focus on getting it back in check. But also realize now that there was no hope of her seeing the mirror image I was projecting as she was successfully numbing the pain before inflicting it. If anything it just clouded my judgement and poured gasoline on her unexpressed and unaddressed building resentments.

Now, looking back, examining pebbles. I see that alcohol was a symptom, but not entirely the cause. She had a rough patch in 2020 (didn't we all) and was crying out to me over her feelings of loneliness and isolation. She had been furloughed due to the pandemic, and I had picked up additional hours to both make up for the loss of income and improve my career standing  I had encouraged her to pursue her hobbies more seriously and meet a network of friends with similar interests to join her in her adventures. Which she did, and seemed happier, more independent, but a little less engaged. I never even stopped to contemplate the fact that I'd never even met any of her new friends, and was only mildly disheartened that she no longer even asked me to join her.

When things started getting back to normal I encouraged her to pursue a new position with the company she had been interviewing with just before the world shut down. She did and was rewarded with an excellent position in which she jumped into with both feet. A 25% raise and excellent benefits,man I thought things were going great! But yet the drinking kept getting worse and the distance a little more noticeable. There were no more invites to company functions, weird, but hey, different company different atmosphere right? But then I noticed she had been there for almost a year and I had never even met any of her coworkers. When I stopped by her office to drop off a forgotten item or invite her to lunch, she always met me in the parking lot and had to get back inside because she was busy.

Just a tangential observation at the time but things get a lot clearer when examining pebbles after the fact. So I guess the realization after the fact, is that a partner that builds a new life and doesn't want to have you involved in it, is quite possibly building a new life without you. And when you're trying to focus on the apparent problem of alcoholism, it might be best to stay clear headed and ask, why is she drinking? Is it You?


Fucking pebbles!

But hey, I got my corns and now I've got some Smerits too! But I'm only HODLing one of them! Thanks again Guys!

Fucking Pebbles... all I have left.

accretion is a fundamental process of growth....take the dust and rubble of this dissolution and forge it into a new beginning for yourself

i am not saying it will be easy...just perhaps that it is possible

keep your chin up sir
whining and bitching is what the wall is all about dont you know? wo's all gotta vent somewhere...yes?      ....ps  try and cut back on the blackout nights...you will thank me later

@ copetech.

I crushed myself from 1972 to 1985.

I started to attempt recovery in 1985.

1972-1985 drugs and complusive gambling.

I had a major psychotic break in 1972 on acid.

I had a medium psychotic break in 1975 on acid.

I had the long term descent into psychosis while in the Navy in 1981

Stopped drugs mostly by 1985 got a bit better.
stopped all drugs by 1991 got much better.
Met a really good psychologist in 1994 and still see her 28 years later.
I also ended gambling in 1990.
I am a life long asthmatic.
I also found out that I am diabetic in 2018 just in time to get treated and under control. So that When covid hit me in Jan 2020 I survived it .

Oh covid gave me pyronies  disease my Johnson became bent into the shape of a C after three years of treatment it is bent like ( .


Never mind the 180 day viagra incident.

My psych meds were change in 2005 and they gave me 100mg viagra pills which I took for 180 days with out realizing that they were viagra.

I could write more as there are a lot of pebbles for me to toss about.

Left turns vs right turns etc. But all in all I am still here and efforting to be here for years to come.

The pain will fade and leave a scar.
When I think back to the viagra incident I get so freaking angry and it hurts to think of the suffering I endured running around with hardons basically like I was 15 and not understanding why it was happening.

One good thing was I realized 180 days zero symptoms of psychosis meant I could stop the psych drugs.

Which likely caused me the diabetes I found out about in 2018.

But with keto diet no drugs are needed for the diabetes .

So a gain.

What is my long speech about.life can toss lots of pebbles and you can still be okay.

At 65 I am doing pretty well. Current set of pebbles are caring for my dementia riddled bro in law.

But enough about my and my pebbles.

Shoot me a pm if you want to talk more.

Well, Phil, that's what I call brutal honesty about oneself.
I am of an upbringing that just cannot allow such open talk, sadly.
Perhaps, I need a good shrink.

yea, Houston highways are brutal, I posted about it a few times.
jeez, those trucks are flying, especially on outbound hways 45, 59/69, 10, 288 (a bit less) and the loop (610).
At least 50% or more fail to signal the lane change.
Many places in Texas are much quieter, though, so it is not a texan phenomena per se.

Sometimes, i feel that some pissed off people just get in their trucks and start going just for the sake of it.

PS if you got powerball at #20, then check the rest, lol


The world will eventually oblige by producing high class robot-hookers and FSD vehicles, which will be wildly used for naughty pursuits, no doubt.
As the result of both, the aggression level in the world has got to decrease if such future would be attained.
Fin